This little piece was written back in 2008 when I was trying to get a collective of semi pro/amateur writers together with a plan to conquer the world through an alternative lifestyle website... It was going to be called Gothdetective.com. Unfortunately I failed miserably and the site is now dead, but this was my first mildly amusing bit of writing for it and I still think its worth a grin.
20th December 2008
Portobello Road Winter Fest - Ebony Bones Review
The Professor and I left for West London early. It was raining and we'd been holed up at The Lord Hood drinking an assortment of cheap bitter, wine and port for probably too long. The looming prospect of another miserable Christmas in Greenwich was upon us and our minds were bent on getting the hell out of town as soon as we could. Clutching a couple of backstage passes, we jumped on trains and tubes until we found Dan the tour manager and Ebony Bones in person skulking about near Westbourne park tube station, my opening line was 'Hello love, you're looking hot!', she chuckled but I know she was really thinking - give me a break dick head. I didn't know what else to come out with, in hindsight a simple 'hello there' may have worked better. Oh well. We were then hastily pulled through the entrance and thrust in front of the stage as the event was already way behind schedule and we were looking late for our next engagement with some pals in Paddington.
The band came out to raucous applause and a few raised eye brows, all clad in outlandish attire but brows were raised highest by the guitarist who was wearing what can only be described as some ancient Egyptian headgear, heavy makeup and a pair of skimpy blue slacks, on the 20th December in West London one would wager this as not the wisest choice of costume. I reached for my red stripe and took a few significant sips in honour of his bravery. The rest of the band looked like a montage of Mighty Boosh episodes rolled up and puked out into one mother elctro glam 80's super group with elements of Japanese rolling video games thrown in for good measure. These guys looked mean, keen and ready to party and that's kind of exactly what happened.
As a single low synth sound boomed out along with a pumping drum beat anticipation was palpable, then finally, Ebony made her appearance and the band erupted into their first number like a small crew of excitable extras from Beetle Juice. It was an impressive sound almost epic in fact and the audience responded. Like watching a carnival float that didn't go anywhere I was almost tempted to chuck some coins at them but they were sounding too good to start any trouble so I kept my two pence in my pocket. Elements of Adam and the Ants/Voodoo disco stye rhythms coupled with synth power bass lines were augmented by quality vocal lead and delightful back up singers. Collectively they jumped, danced and wiggled all over the place, Ebony even leapt into the audience at one stage, her feverish enthusiasm for her art is infectious. You can't help moving around when she's doing her thing. She's a wonder to comprehend.
Lyrics are also a bit Boosh like in their comedic value at least, 'Don't Fart On My Heart' being a prime example. 'We Know All About U' is an oppressive track conjuring up 1984 style imagery I actually don't believe they do know all about me and i'm quite pleased they don't too. They played about 4 others but I can only remember those two as I was already a little bit drunk by this point and the evening was only going one way.
If you're looking for for a night of high energy dancing fun and the opportunity to dress up like a lunatic then this is the band for you. They sound like a not quite as good Robots in Disguise but what they lack in song craft they more than make up for in performance. It was a hugely entertaining set which I'd hoped would go on longer but I think the guitarist was under threat of hypothermia though so they probably had to get off. The synth player with the quiff deserves special mention if only for his bat winged cat suit and silver eye brows/moustachio combo. Final thought? Ebony Bones really is super hot.
As they came off stage the Professor and I knew we'd seen something pretty special, these guys could do something in 2009 but it'll be tough as sentiment turns on Nu Rave (bile fills mouth) and a rash of other Klaxons spawn fill the landscape as far as the eye can see, not that i'd cast Ebony Bones into such a vile genre, but best of luck to them. A late tube rattled past as we made out way to one of the food stands on the way to the exit, Paddington was next and I felt that it wouldn't be Christmas until I'd had at least another few pints, a gin and tonic and a mince pie in me. We rushed for the bus on our way to sparkle the West London dark up and lose ourselves to the sound of inde rock n' roll. What larks!
Sincerely,
Rosencrantz Breakspears
Goth rating - 1/5 Not Goth
Overall - 4/5 Mesmerising
